The Baker
by grandlarseny
Summary: archived: If insanity without justification is your thing, then this is the fic for you! songfic to the Aquabats' The Baker


AN: If there is anyway you can possibly get your hands on the song I wrote this fanfic to, please do. It's "The Baker" by the Aquabats. I assure you, the trouble will be worth it, for it makes the fanfiction *that* much funnier. I promise, the song really adds to the reading experience.   
  
One last thing. According to my statistics about one in every 10-15 readers of my fanfiction actually leave a review. So to those that do, thank you for going the extra mile. It makes all the difference in the world and I'd just like you to know that you're consideration is appreciated ^_^ To those that don't review, thank you for reading my fanfiction, please review :P   
  
  
The Baker  
  
  
"Oh jesus!" Relena exclaimed as she buckled one of her heels. Heero raised an eyebrow in her general direction.  
  
"Heero! I'm running late for a consultation. And on top of that I promised Noin that I'd bake a cake for Michael's fourth birthday.  
  
"And this concerns me how?" Heero asked suspiciously.  
  
Relena held her breath for a minute and looked a little guilty. "Ineedyoutobakethecake." She said quickly.  
  
"Relena." Heero snorted "I'm a bodyguard, not a personal chef."  
  
"Yes, but you are also my *husband* and husbands bake cakes when their wives are running late." Relena countered.  
  
"I should be going with you to the consultation." Heero pointed out, throwing his chin up a couple of notches. She would *not* win this one.  
  
"Heero, this is routine and you know it. It would be a waste of your time to come along. Besides I haven't had a threat in over eight months." She reasoned.  
  
"Yes, but you can-"  
  
"Never be to careful." Relena finished, smiling wickedly.  
  
Heero sent a full fledged death glare her way. "Well, it's true."  
  
"I know." Relena smiled, rising up on her toes a bit to plant a smooch on her husbands lips "But I think just this once, you could let it go."  
  
"Relena, if you're prioritizing this cake over you're safety-"  
  
"I'm not Heero! I promise! But I do need someone to bake it, and stupidly enough it's the day all the house staff have off."  
  
Heero looked at her carefully weighing everything she just said.   
  
"Alright." He sighed, caving in.   
  
Relena squealed, launching herself at her husband, planting pecks all over his face.  
  
"Thank you thank you thank you!"  
  
Heero couldn't help the but roll his eyes, although a miniscule grin had worked it's way over his features. "Go on!" He said, pushing Relena towards the door. "You're monstrously late now."  
  
"I love you!" Relena called over her shoulder as she disappeared through the door.  
  
Heero nodded softly before sighing and walking resignedly to the kitchen.  
  
'How does she manage to get me to these things?'  
  
*******  
'Damn damn damn damn!' Relena chanted over in her head as she saw all the cars parked in her huge driveway. 'I'm late for the party! What kind of godmother am I!?'  
  
Screeching to a hault in her driveway, Relena grabbed the elaborately wrapped present beside her and ran to the door. Wrenching it open and running inside, she spared not a moment as she rushed into the living room.  
  
"I'm sorry everyon-" The apology died on her lips as she encountered her brother, Noin, their four year old son Michael, Quatre, Dorothy, Duo, Hilde, and their respective children all attempting to peek through keyhold in her kitchen door.  
  
"What is going on!?" Relena exclaimed, thoroughly annoyed at having to rush to a party that wasn't even going on.  
  
"Ssshhhhhh!" Everyone hissed in unison, sparing a moment to glare at her before turning back the keyhole. Relena stepped closer and pulled Dorothy aside.  
  
"Dorothy, what is going on?"  
  
"Heero has been in there ever since we arrived. He refuses to come out." Dorothy whispered, eyes still fixed on the door. "To say the least it's...peculiar of him."  
  
"Well, I did ask him to bake Michael's cake today." Relena said distractedly, a pondering expression on her delicate features.  
  
Suddenly as if on cue, Spanish trumpets blared and Heero burst out of the kitchen. On his head a chef's hat was perched, an apron reading "Kiss the Cook," was draped on his body. His hands bore oven mitts. In his left one he wielded a spatula and in the other he balanced a plate with quite possibly the most beautiful cake Relena had ever seen placed expertly in the center.  
  
Everyone was speechless. Heero cast one look to his left and then another to his right. Suddenly tossing the cake into Millardo's arms he broke into a proud and intense song.  
  
"I am the baker  
I bake a cake  
Make no mistake  
I like to bake!"  
  
"Uuh...Heero, dear, are you feeling well?" Relena asked as Heero sang passionately into his spatula. Suddenly he fixed Relena with an intense gaze and stalked closer.  
  
"Once I discovered my inert behavior  
To mix   
To bake  
To BAKE!"  
  
Throwing his arms wide, Heero closed his eyes as he wailed the last note in the stanza. Then turning to address the rest of the group, he poured out his tale.  
  
Up in the morning  
To start my work  
I cannot help wanting to bake a dessert!  
  
Everyone ooed and aawed appreciatively as Heero conveyed the strength of his emotions through mere words.  
  
Like a Gladiator  
About to meet his fate  
I enter my arena  
Bow my head and start to bake  
  
Quatre and Duo both nodded solemnly. They were the bakers in their family, they understood what Heero meant. The Spanish trumpets picked up volume.  
  
Yeah  
Y'wanna cookie!?  
  
  
"The baked Alaska" Quatre exclaimed,   
"Truly   
the opus for bakers everywhere"  
  
Heeero smiled winningly and placing a mittened hand over his heart he continued his song.  
  
Flour Sugar Milk  
I send out for more  
I'm not some hero  
I need no reward  
A short vacation I'd like to take  
After I bake   
a chocolate cake  
  
"Vacation is right." Millardo said, wide-eyed. "Relena, I think he's snapped for good this time."  
  
"Oh no" Relena replied as she swung by Millardo. Heero was tossing and twirling her all around the living room in a rigorous Spanish tango. "He's been worse."  
  
"I found that hard to believe." Noin replied dully as she watched Heero execute a perfect dip.  
  
Quatre and Duo were now getting into it, bobbing their heads in time with the beat.  
  
Heero suddenly switched to tragic mode. Soulfully he sung into his spatula.  
  
Sometimes it's mighty lonely  
When you're  
all alone  
"(with a loaf of bread)" Quatre and Duo sang along. Hilde and Dorothy both felt the not-so-subtle urge to throttle their respective husbands.  
  
But then Heero turned fierce again.  
  
But I'm just doing my job  
The best I can  
So the children can be fed  
  
Quatre and Duo nodded hard, agreeing one-hundred percent.   
  
I am the baker!  
(HEY!)  
I bake the cake!  
(HEY!)  
Make no mistake!  
(HEY!)  
I like to bake!  
(BAKER!)  
  
By now Quatre were chanting along with Heero's tale of the selfless baker. Heero swung Relena onto the couch and began singing directly to them.  
  
  
Once I discovered my inert behavior  
(BAKER!)  
To mix  
(BAKER!)  
To bake  
(BAKER!)  
TO BAKE!  
(BAKER!)  
  
"Oh my god." Dorothy moaned dropping her head into her hands as Duo and Quatre stood up with Heero and started dancing along with him. "This can't be happening."  
  
"Oh it is." Dorothy's oldest child, John smiled said with a sinister look. "And I have it on tape." He finished, holding up the camcorder he had mastered by age nine.  
  
"You always were my favorite." Dorothy quipped dryly, fully intending to do as much damage as she could with that tape.  
  
I am the baker  
(HEY!)  
I bake the cake  
(HEY!)  
You're the decorater and you decorate  
You take the credit!  
(BAKER!)  
  
Upon this line Heero pointed an accusing penguin-shaped oven mitt at Millardo. Millardo looked down at the cake warily and back at Heero.   
  
But I slaved away!  
(BAKER!)  
  
Upon this lyric Heero threw a dramatic arm over his eyes   
  
I mixed  
(BAKER!)  
I made  
(BAKER!)  
  
I BAKED!  
  
He lamented, looking tragically enraged. Relena had never seen Heero like this and quite frankly- she was getting flustered. That baker's hat...the penguin oven mitts....that little apron..damn...when had he learned she had a baking fetish!?  
  
Heero suddenly turned back to humble and subdued, as he rested his soulful eyes on Relena's. Her breath quickened slightly.  
  
Flour sugar milk  
I send out for more  
I'm not some hero  
I need no reward  
  
He shook his oven mitten back and forth at this statement.   
  
A short vacation I'd like to take   
After I bake  
A chocolate cake  
  
Heero admitted, very looking very nobel, on bended knee the spatula pressed to his heart. Closing his eyes he sang the next few lines.  
  
Sometimes it's mighty lonely  
When you're all alone   
  
(with a loaf of bread)   
  
Quatre and Duo informed the audience solemnly.  
  
"Ewwww. I don't even want to know what he does with that loaf of bread." Hilde exclaimed wrinkling her nose.  
  
"Oh Heero, PLEASE!" Relena screamed. Suddenly everyone's eyes were on her. Frantically she searched for a way out "er...stop your song so we can focus on Michael's birthday." She finished weakly.  
  
Everyone still cast her suspicious glances as they turned their attention back to Heero, who was currently full of woe.  
  
But I'm just doing my job   
The best that I can  
so the children can be fed  
  
Picking up on Relena's intense interest, he sauntered over to her and bent in low to her face.  
  
Yeah I own it  
The doughnut   
Y'wanna a cookie!?  
How 'bout a muffin!?  
  
"Yeah." Relena whispered lowly. "I'd like somebody's muffin."   
  
Once again strange looks were sent her way.  
  
"That'd be my chef's muffins! The blueberry ones are delicious!" She said laughing nervously.  
  
Heero walked away from Relena into the center of the room, and swung his arms wide, preparing for the finale.  
  
I am the baker!  
(HEY!)  
I make the cake!  
(HEY!)  
Make no mistake   
(BAKER!)  
I LOVE to bake!  
  
He sang with such pride and sense of purpose that it brought tears to Quatre and Duo's eyes. Heero was truly the Perfect Baker.  
  
Once I discovered my inert behavior  
(BAKER!)  
To mix!  
(BAKER!)  
To bake!  
(BAKER!)  
TO BAKE!  
  
Relena was slowly fanning herself as Heero started to attempt to dance around with his spatula- he was so damn sexy!   
  
I am the baker  
(HEY!)  
I make the cake  
(HEY!)  
You're the decorator  
(HEY!)  
  
Once again another accusing oven mitt was pointed in the direction of Zechs Merquise.  
  
And you decorate  
(HEY!)  
You took the credit!  
(BAKER!)  
  
Heero emphasized the line by poking Zechs in the chest with the oven mitt.  
  
But I slaved away!  
(BAKER!)  
He sang angrily, jabbing his own oven mitt into his chest to make the point clearer as Quatre and Duo continued their chanting in the background.  
  
I mixed  
(BAKER!)  
I made  
(BAKER!)  
  
Heero, Duo and Quatre all threw their arms in the air, preparing for the final words, the one that would define all the feelings and emotions that had gone into this song.  
  
I BAKED!  
  
They sang at the top of their range holding it out for a long eight beats. Finally they dropped their hands and stood panting in the threshold of the room.  
  
They were met with utter silence.  
  
"Well!" Relena said quickly, bouncing up from her seat "I think me and Heero need a little ....chat....we'll be back soon. Please continue the party without us."   
  
Everyone in the room cringed. Relena's 'chats' were anything but. She grabbed Heero's wrist and quickly climbing the flight of stairs that led to the floor their bedroom was on. Leading Heero into the room she shoved him forcefully onto the bed, flinging herself on top of Heero.  
  
"Relena?" Heero asked, a little confused.  
  
"Heero." She breathed excitedly "I want you to cover me with flour and sugar- and then do the nasty with me- all in a huge vat of parkay." She punctuated the statement with frantic little kisses al over his neck and face.  
  
"Relena." Heero said, grabbing her face and forcing her to look at him.  
  
"Heero?" Relena asked, her heart sinking. Maybe Heero wasn't into this baking fetish after all.  
  
It was a moment before the most wicked grin Relena had ever seen Heero sport surfaced.  
  
"Mission accepted." He stated before capturing her lips in a hungry kiss.  
  
And they lived happily ever after...in a weird, un-orthodox sort of way. 


End file.
